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Labels: bye blogspot.

The students were all seated. The test papers were all distributed. Everyone sat in silent anticipation as the teacher walked carefully back to his desk.
He placed the remaining test scripts on his table and then checked his watch.

"Before you start, let me first warn you," his voice became slightly sterner at this point as he paused for effect, "I do not want to see anyone cheating in this test."

A final look at the watch. A concluding gesture. "All right, you may begin."

Instead of the tense silence and subsequent scribbling that the teacher expected, the moment he had sat himself down in the chair beside the table, the entire class had rosed from their seats and started to gather in groups, discussing how the questions should be answered.

It took a moment for him to recover, before he could exclaim, "Hey, I had just said I do not want to see anyone cheating in this test!"

Another teacher who was also in the classroom had burst into laughter at the scene. He smiled towards his fellow teacher, "When you say you do not want anyone to 'cheat', they take it that you mean they should not withhold what is good from anyone else. They would be cheating another person of something if they were to keep something to themselves alone."


This is actually a true story that was recounted to me by a lecturer who teaches cross-cultural missionary preparation. It happened in India, to a teacher who was attached at a school there for a short duration. On the surface, it is a good example to illustrate how it is necessary to be sensitive to the differences in cultures. Our actions and practices, though extended out of universally desired principles, may not and need not be the perfect model that suits a people. In appreciating a culture, it's important to balance between being too imposing or being blindly assimilated into it.

But on a deeper level, the more specific dimension that is addressed by the example is how 'cheating' is defined. While it may seem to be a unique way to think about 'cheating', I realise that if you take a step back to look at how we phrase what 'cheating' to mean, it can be stranger than how the students in the class had understood its meaning.

With the rigor and quality of the Singapore education system, 'cheating in a test' is an easily understood notion for Singaporeans. To break the term down, you are cheating in a test if you copy the answers off a friends' with/without his knowledge, if you make any form of communication with another test-taker with content relating to the test, if you refer to something like a piece of paper etc. Essentially, it's when you do not do it by yourself in that duration of the test.

What the term ultimately entails is individualism and a mihi solum (myself alone) attitude. Singapore's meritocratic system has no apologies about this, but if you look at the original definition of how 'cheating' is understood, its usually explained in the context of cheating a person. Relationships a key element in cheating. You cheat when you lie to a person. You cheat when you deprive a person of a right. When you cheat, you can go to the extent of breaking a person's trust, heart, soul and leave a scar which might only be eased after resentment or healed by grace.

The Singaporean understanding of "cheating" focuses on the individual's status in his community - "I do not want others to cheat me of what I am doing.", on the other hand, the students in India understood 'cheating' with a focus on the individual's contribution to the community - "I not going to deprive others of the knowledge that I have on this."

I know, it can be argued that if one cheats on a test, principally speaking, he is making others lose out too. But that is part of the point- its always "principally speaking", but never the principles themselves.


Another way of saying it is that there are very different ways of saying "It's not fair!"



"There is ony one sin, only one. And that is theft. Every othe sin is a variation of theft... When you kill a man, you steal a life. You steal his wife's right to a husband, rob his children of a father. When you tell a life, you steal someone's right to the truth. When you cheat, you steal the right to fairness."
-- Baba, The Kite Runner

Labels: muse

When Joseph's brothers saw that their father was dead, they said, "What if Joseph holds a grudge against us and pays us back for all the wrongs we did to him?" So they sent word to Joseph, saying, "Your father left these instructions before he died: 'This is what you are to say to Joseph: I ask you to forgive your brothers the sins and the wrongs they committed in treating you so badly.' Now please forgive the sins of the servants of the God of your father." When their message came to him, Joseph wept. His brothers then came and threw themselves down before him. "We are your slaves," they said.
- Genesis 50:15 – 18

When one takes a close look at the bible, Joseph's story did not really have as glorious an ending as it should. After being sold into slavery by his brothers due to jealousy, becoming a slave, being thrown into prison and eventually, being a man with authority only second to Pharaoh. Kept safe and taught much by God throughout, Joseph's story paints a portrait of divine providence.

Although it was not mentioned, throughout everything, Joseph had to bear with the burden of carrying a past. A past that was, to said it simply, hurtful (Gen 37:18-36). A sort of past that would probably linger back and forth with questions in moments of mental idleness, which being a slave and a prisoner allow quite a lot of.

Of course, Joseph had emerged from all his experience as a man who has thought deeply over the mystery of God's sovereignty and human responsibility. His gentle response in return to the brothers' plea reflected this-

But Joseph said to them, "Don't be afraid. Am I in the place of God? You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives. So then, don't be afraid. I will provide for you and your children." And he reassured them and spoke kindly to them.
- Genesis 50:19 – 20

Such a response was shown due to his brothers' fear of Joseph's vengeance being unleashed on them after his father's death. Perhaps it was guilt or maybe it was out of fear of losing their lives, or the lives of they're family. But.. why must they think like this? Why did they have consider it in terms of a matter of debt?

I suggest that when Joseph wept, that might have been the question that he was yelling out in his head. He was not weeping because he was sorry for their state and sympathetic to their plight. He was possibly weeping because it meant that nothing was resolved. He wept because it showed that the relationship they had was still so stunted as if they were strangers. He wept because the burden of the past that he had to carry and go through had came back to strike him in a different form. He had wept because they were brothers. And yet...

And that was how Joseph's story had ended:/

At a Christian group retreat, the group I was with was doing this activity where you had to pick a card to answer the question written on it and choose someone else to answer it (Questions ranging from "How did you get your first crush?" to "Which book of the bible would you like to know better?") Mine was (at least I felt it is) a cliche - "What is the first thing you are going to ask Jesus when you are in heaven?"

My mind had raced through the dozens of the unanswered. Questions that could be picked in philosophy, history, evil, science, the human condition and although I eventually did say a question (one that was more personal to me), it occurred to me that actually, a question is not really the first thing that would be said.

I mean we always want to say something. The last word, a fitting legacy, a retirement speech, even a proper and clean handing over.

But in front of God, there would be "nothing" we can say.

Just like Joseph who had left many things unsaid, I guess its another way of showing that sometimes you really don't need to.


"The creatures outside looked from pig to man, and from man to pig and from pig to man again; but already it was impossible to say which was which." - George Orwell, Animal Farm

Labels: Life, muse

Peak-end rule.

This rule suggests that our judgement of how painful or pleasurable a past event is depends on how the experience was at its peak or end, instead of the more rational way of taking a net average of the pain or pleasure experienced over the entire duration.

Experiments have been conducted to prove this, but like any theory, the empirical evidence is better validated when examined through a life example than a lab report. In this case, a good life example is something called an ORD date.

Well, maybe it is not a perfect example. There are many other factors that would mar an NSF attempting a reflection. For instance, an ORD date prescribes not only a looking back, it also signals a looking forward (So what now?) And vocation and responsibilities-wise, sometimes there also is the need to ensure proper closures are made as you hand over duties to an understudy. And yes, of course it also is about some sort of liberation:P Ironically though, that makes it a good example because theories would work better once ceteris paribus is removed from the picture.

So we approach this theory with the knowledge that ORD -or for that matter, any experience similar to a indication that something has come to an end- does not exist in a vacuum. That in mind, we can note a few things that peak-end rule implies.

It means that we can go through a lot of pain at the start, but when the sweetness of things set in finally at the end it overwhelms us to the extent that it becomes a victory. This isn't very surprising actually since its largely accepted by people like sportsman. The pain doesn't matter anymore when you finally reach that finishing point. However, the rule is not a description of reaping fruits of victory. It applies to processes which might not have anything to do with a matter of input and output, or working at something - a school year, social dynamics in a group, a security operation, a relationship, a day at work- initial pain is okay, finally what happens is what I take note of anyway. Of course, the reverse of this works with equal potency.

It also means that we can invest energy and attention in blaming/rejoicing over something when we are not really considering the full issue. The focus was really only on what happened at the peak-end. Such investments can lead to situations that a lot of thought is spent on something not as significant because of how it had ended, and little thought spent over a series of events because things had ended on a low note.

On a broader level, it means that we are not wise enough to judge effectively how something really felt on the whole. Post-event evaluations we make would be biased to the situations faced near the end of things. And those one or two events at the end will probably not carry the full significance of the entire effect. To take a stretch, it's probably like asking the question what kind of person you would be/how things would turn out, if not for X. Such really cannot truly be answered because X already happened and the askance, however regretful it is, is based on a reality you have already been affected and changed by. It's also probably like what aWWI solider survivor had said in an interview in Band of Brothers before a Band of Brothers (WWII 10-part series show) episode was played, "If we were in other circumstances, we could have been good friends. But he was just doing his job, and I was doing my job, and in that context, we had no choice." (paraphrased) Let me sugest that when you combine both sentiments, you come close to the implication of the rule.

Finally-
"these things God has revealed to us through the Spirit. For the Spirit searches everything, eventhe depths of God. For who knows a person’s thoughts except the spirit of that person, which is in him? So also no one comprehends the thoughts of God except the Spirit of God."
- 1 Corinthians 2:10 - 11

There can be many things that bridges understanding, but anything that comes from man, while useful, is far from being the ultimate channel. Peak-end rule only reveals the weakness of man in being a finite being. There is more than just that.


If anything would make things clear, it won't be found in the wisdom of man, but the power of God.



"No, I don't feel lucky to be alive! I feel lucky I'm not dead. There's a difference." -- Mr Stoller, Breaking Away

Labels: Life, muse

The NSFs from my intake probably all feel it by now.
We have finished all our training. We have been through the worst phases of what our vocation can afford to offer us. We have been in where we are posted to long enough, and by now, we know our stuff-

ORD is coming :P

But well, not yet. This odd phase of almost reaching it allows much thinking.


I can look back and think about many mistakes in my life, but I think one of the best moves I made in my life, is having built solid friendships with a few close brothers. This bunch who I can go beyond a label of "best friends", who will always exist more than a photo to be posted as a facebook profile picture and who are there.


Something I actually can say I did right in life. Heh. Thank God :)

Labels: Life, muse, NS

Sometimes writers are praised to be good writers because they can capture the essence of an emotion which has not been given any name.

I have much appreciation for greater minds who can craft literature beyond a mere philsophical retreat of words being not enough, or just a faint justification of calling it 'mixed feelings'.

One emotion which I believe such a greater mind must address, is the emotion when a person is just next to you but who really is a million miles away.

Such a defeat is faced in varying forms. An old friend who you had shared a past that was less wiser with that you bumped into. A relative who you had always heard about, finally met, and who you struggle to break through formalities and make up for lost years. An important person to you who is pulling away and who makes you wonder over the concious attempts to catch up. A colleague who you work with closely on a daily basis, and find yourself having to discuss work even when it's lunch. A good friend who you know will always be there, but physical proximities insist on having both of you apart. A spouse whom through domestic drudgeries has become a stranger. A grandfather who you had negelcted a proper responsibility to spend time with, who you can only approach now with sheepish awkwardness and a strained awareness that he is getting old.

A strange reality of things is that on those various fronts, such a defeat need not always be painful to us. Sometimes it can be as fleeting as the thought process when you walk pass a begger, rushing towards a next destination. Even if we finally decide that such is painful to us, the remorse or regrets sink in at that moment when you realise it. It can even flood you quite intensely, but that may be the point. Intense moments don't last that long. And even when you do make that instance of connection with that someone because circumstance or divine appointment granted it, the refreshment allows its effect to linger only for so long. After that, it can stay on (arguably, just merely) as a prized moment in memory.

A gym-time conversation with a colleague recently revealed a very simple way to express this emotion. He said,

"Got scolded by my boss really badly la just now."

"Oh. Why?"

"We didn't manage to finish something by the deadline given. It's not anyone's fault really... Not his, not ours. It's just that when you deal with something like time... you know, some things just are not in your control..."

"Time's fault? Haha. I guess you can't say that too."



By the way, he is the most hardworking guy in the department (No, its not something subjective. Everybody agrees that he is.)



"Yup things are always more complicated. Difficult even. Otherwise it wouldn't mean a thing."
- A Friend's text message

Labels: muse

After some time in life, we will inevitably realise that we don’t need the answer to every question. Partly because we can’t but also because we don’t always know what are the right questions to ask anyway.

Sometimes, it takes time for us to realise the second part and in the process realising of it, we will keep insisting on it. Maybe in quiet confidence, maybe to the extent that it subtly frustrates, maybe even by expressing it in bitter angst.

I shall be talking about two ideas, will connect them both, and then relate it to the above thoughts by asking questions with regard to each.

The first idea was presented some time ago when I had watched a friend in his relationship honeymoon-period, reciting a 'how-it-all-happened' with his girlfriend of about three months beside him, and then hearing from his girlfriend her side of the story. Though both reports were made in the presence of each party, I guess only the people who weren't involved in it were wise enough to notice the differences in what was said by each. Some were tricky to spot while some were quite obviously observed. There were different empahses, different motives and reasons, different events considered significant, different turning points in situations, even different feelings felt.

Such a thought struck me again, more strongly this time, when I was visiting a bangkok slum area. This was home to one of the students who had participated in the English Camp I had facilitated. The camp wasn't a stay-over one but a day camp (like 9 to 4pm) and it was held at a church. The kids who attended it actually belonged to the neighbourhood the church was situated in. Thus, after the camp, we had the opportunity to fetch some of the kids home since most of them lived in homes that were in walkable distance from the church. When the youth organisation's staff had first mentioned this practice, I had originally agreed with the other facilitators that it would be nice to take the kids home since it allowed us to build a closer and more personal relationship with them. Afterall, we would be visiting their family and everyday surroundings.

However, when you actually are in the place that they live, entered through a narrow walkway along a roadside, your path towards the 'home' guided by the uneven wooden boards covering a ground that was slightly damp with a gambling arcade machine strangely next to the 'bedroom' area. And when you stand easily so out of place and allow thoughts consisting of concepts like hygine, political structures, NGOs, human dignity to flow into what you are thinking about. And when you visit everyday although you can only do it for another two more days since you have to catch your flight home later on... A closer and more personal relationship isn't really what one feels that he has achieved upon emerging from it.

The questions that can be asked here – Do both parties really need to feel the same experience for the reality to be justified as ‘real’? Beyond the moral and heartstring implications of one not being honest in the expression of feelings, what about if there was honesty, but not full honesty? What about if the relational experiences were just merely different based on the subjectivism involved? I don't think relativism in the realm of feelings has really been explored much in the light of how the post-modernistic society today confuses relativism to be applicable in the realm of truth, but even if we were aware of considering relativism in feelings, we would probably treat it with more idealism than logical analysis. As Logan said in X-Men Origins: Wolverine when he realised that Sliverfox had mutant powers of persuasion and that the relationship between them could have been false, “It was real for me.” But would that be good enough? Can we say the feelings, notwithstanding whoever that may be invovled in its crossfire, are all right when I'm all right with it?

The second idea is close to the first and can possibly be a thought that progresses after acknowledging the possibility of differences in a connection. The idea can occur when the realisation that connections between humans exist in a state of flux, or another way to say it, we need to move on. Its not an emo kind of thing - it's just a practical limitation of being a finite being.

The guilt and feeling of being overwhelmed by all the relationships is easily identified when you volunteer at a youth organisation. The various people you come into contact with, the many faces that you will meet, the persons that come into your life and become a monetary routine for that period of time. The difficulty faced here (or rather, the realisation that dawns on you) is that a single person can't save the world. Just as a superhero's acts of heroism are clouded by their problems in personal life, volunteers can go onto the 'scene' where they're in - be teacers, facilitators, speakers, pastors, trainer, and when they walk down from it, meet individuals.

And thats when they realise, its not about a 5 days intensive workshop. Not about a time when you ask rhetorical questions which you expect to set one thinking. Its not even about an honestly made one hour speech.

Commitment, consistency, time. Really, it's back to such basics. The simple reality that strikes us revealing that it can't be given not due to competency, but due to ability.

This realisation has its questions as well. To give an example, let us consider people who are attention-seeking, not really socially accepted and largely rejected by cliques. I had met such a 'type' back in my training days. It was during the Passing Out Parade training time that I really got the chance to 'get to know' him better since my squad was marching beside his. When we had our water breaks, the interval allowed some courteous gestures to be expressed and even granted me a chance to be a good listening ear for awhile. In other words, I was nice. I did not ignore him like the rest, but as a friend gently probed when I mentioned this to him, why stop there?

Why didn't I step out of the comfort of sitting with my squad to go and sit next to him and have a conversation instead of just being polite? Why not carry on the relationship, why not give your energy, time and commitment into it?

Mainly, the questions and issues struggle with the difficulty of 'definitions' in relationships. As the man who wanted to justify himself asked Jesus, "And who is my neighbour?"

Jesus answered that question by the parable of the good samritan, he did not answer questions. He stated how to be a good neighbour.

At the end of the day, that is really an answer enough. Afterall, Sliverfox did tell Logan later on, "It was real for me too."



"...because solitude had made a selection in her memory and burned the dimming piles of nostalgic waste that life had accumulated in her heart, and had purified, magnified, and externalized the others, the most bitter ones."
- One Hundred Years of Solitude, Gabriel Garcia Marquez

Labels: Life, muse

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