I'm in another one of those crappy moods. Ponderment has not made me feel better in this, yet I don't feel any worse. I just feel bad. And sick. And messed.

Once again, its because I read too deeply into things. This ability of mine might sometime drive me towards suicide. I even have vauge feelings that I am actually insane. But I probaly am not... mental patients are said to be ones who lost touch with reality.

But then again, I sorta have.

Everyone has lived in fantasies and worlds of themselves, its common. But something tells me that my world is not.

Its almost as if I'm going crazy. I'm thinking too much. Reaally too much.

The dozens of thoughts and views sparked off by me, creating an essence of abstaracal thinking is making me extremely fed up.

What happened? I could mention a few things...

1) A long trip to Borders
2) Blog entries
3) Some guy mentioning that having dreams that are silent(No speaking, can't hear words) is = to you have low intellegence.
4) Waiting times to think.
5) Crappy Exam results
6) A messy room

About #3...
I can't exactly remeber most of my dreams, they never been significant in my life at all and I forgotten the details within moments after I awake. So I'm not sure... if I hear dialougue in my dreams. But vaguely, it seems I don't. But then again, I feel that I do. I embarrased myself by saying that I think I don't have conversations in my dreams, before the dude revealed the interpretation. So now the group probaly assumes I have low intellect. Great... just great. The guy that figured this theroy is probaly some idiot.

In any case, I don't feel good now and I have a messy room to stare at.

But I think I feel do some research on dreams... Just to figure out why the theory is as such and if my dreams being so have reasons.

Argh.

---> When I look at a silent perspecitve

Life is like being on a chessboard. If it were to be carried out in MMORPG style, each player would start off with several pawns. They make their moves to reach the many "ends" of the chessboard arena, to morph into the piece they are directed to become. Yet when the pawn is swayed by competition to reach its goal, it attacks the opponeants, in the same instance swaying its original path of direction in diagonal-defeatation. A titatical vicotry really.

Each army every player wields would therefore be different. Instead of the regular, they would obtain their very own aresenal of pieces as they venture on towards the several ends. The evolved pieces would carry on the lineage of battle as the player ventures on to the next stage, taking competition after competition.

In the Game Mannual...
--The various pieces that a pawn can change into take on different attributes and have different ablities. Depending on what you get your pawn to become, your whole army's build-up would give you honour to cast your own style of atttack. Every piece is equal to some extent as each can destory each. Even a pawn may best a knight.--

_Castle
The castle is the strightforward thinker of the team, it proves to be a strong defense and emits comfort to the rest of the army. It is usually one of the last few standing and will accomany the king to the very end.

_Knight
A main attacker. It kills by strategic means; a cunning and yet limited piece. Its ruthlessness is bounded by the fact that it can only travel to a few venues of the arena. Its movements might sometime put it to danger and yet sometimes give it advantage. Deadly in the hands of a skilled player. Flaunts extreme arrogance.

_Bishop
Appear to be strong and somewhat respected to be "new", it attacks by "thinking out of the box"- in diagonal fashion. Indecisive and want to gain only attention. May seem to be a good defender of the king but it can flee easily in many situations. Its stand next to the King or Queen shows its want for glory and power and its stand next towards the kingth shows its cowardiance and fear.

_Queen
The overachiever, can move anywhere on the arena in any direction. Many players do not use her to advantage as they hold fear of losing her, thereby letting her get destroyed easiy in many matches. Never happy in life and always wants more freedom. Can reach anywhere very easily. Thinks in a wilful manner.

_King
The heart of the army, yet totally defenseless. A control freak, totally unable to scale many heights, never attacking but always in cowardience. Ironically gives many experiece points.

----

So, what is your army like? How do you think others armies are like? Which elements of these pieces and how much quantity do they exist in your identity? And to what quality do they hold?
(man, that sounded lame.)

In any case, I know that these pieces can't represent the human identity nor life.
But I think its an interesting analogy...

A/N
The last episode, The Probe, was about knowing your foe and being aware of what he may think to your words. (Directly and indirectly) In this chapter, I digress towards the identity itself and what creates it. Also by the concept of knowing your foe, knowing what an identity is like and what creates it would also be some aid in converting people. I thank Creative Reader for his opening chapter "Lost Identity-David's Lost Identity" which spured me on to write the next chapter and gave me inspiration to consider what an identity consists.

**If you haven't notice, you can access my previous entries through the Lost Ark of Recalls. Just scroll all the way.
___________________________________________________________________

--Metamorphoses: Before you consider an in-depth break-in, one must know what the essence of idenity holds. Back to Basics. --

How does one define identity? Using the trusty m-w.com, Identity is said to be:

a : the distinguishing character or personality of an individual
b : the relation established by psychological identification

The irony of this is that although Identity may be considered to be something unique, its second defination is sameness of essential or generic character in different instances. Let us consider the constants of the universe. Constants can be defined as rules and laws such as the principle of moments or time structured to be 24 hours in a day.

_Is one's identity a constant?
When we question such, we are reminded of growth and time. It may be right to say that one's identity matures with time, or rather the experience which time brings about. But maturity is a a certain sense vague. When we look at things beyond the horizons of praticallity and traditional actions, maturity is hard to be defined. One good solution to this is to use the word "change" instead. The cliche quote "Change is always constant" would apply to an identity.

What then, creates an Identity. If cloning were to be a reality, would the identities of the clones still hold true to the madien being? I explained, through Jerry, in Chapter 2 of "Lost Identity" that the ingredients of an identity are a body, a mind and a soul. Yes, the cliched trinity.

Yet, if Identites change, then, it would not be so sufficient to only explain the identity through its ingredients. I.e. I could say Identity = Influence + Intelligence + Circumstances + Divine Opportunities + Perceptions. But, identity, being a variable can be changed through other abstract factors, not only these limiting few. If, we assume these factors all to be constants, then there can be many identities already formed. We could play around with the eqation by substituating in cases/examples and deleting off instances. Or simply by just manupilating the equation (I.e. Adding modulus to the various "constants", diving the whole equation by a single "constant" etc.) And of course, these factors are NOT constants in the first place. Their pretty much all variables. This gives the equation limitless possiblites.

_Masks
I had saw a little bit of the Televison Premiere of "The Mask", the part where the guy(forgot his name) watches the TV and switches it to this talkshow shows a guy promoting his book, "The Masks we all wear." He said something along the lines of "Its true, all of us wears a mask in life." So, the identity question faces a barrier here. Since we have masks, it shows that we have various identites. The world has discovered that I think. The closest thing I can remeber to this is the movie "The One". (Alternate Self) I also like to digress a bit on what I found out.... it seems the mask in "The Mask"is some magical object which unmasks your original mask and pulls out the real you under all the crap. (Then again... well, maybe not.) In any case, I think everyone does has several masks. For me personally, I act differently when I am around different people or different groups. There's also the "first impression shield" we wear around people we just met and masks which hide what we really think and feel. (People who want to convert someone hate these masks.)

_Ultima
But ultimately, do we have this one, absoulute identity? I personally believe so. And I think its scripted into our soul. Thats why when we make a decision to accept christ, it is God's will. And when we try converting someone to be a christian, its not through our power that they are convienced but through God's.

-- Epilogu[e] --
We should respect everyone's identity as their very own. That was one very important factor in the budding success of the human race. (Though they do screw up a lot) Keeping that in mind would be good in our future conversions of any identity.

Footnotes:
Ahhh... I feel much better now. Don't think I've got much to add... Doing this entry does provoke me into thinking about my Chapter at fictionpress though.. I want reviews....

Scaned through my last few posts and realise they were quite....
um, stupid.

Especially my last one. Showing anger over a keyboard while facing a screen is sometimes very laughable. Like when you don't describe the stuff and only keep ranting and ranting over the same point. I wonder what provoked me todothistoo. Man, that was freakingly lame.

I know it has been a really long time since I posted something that actually is zoneseekative. I really hope its not because I'm sub-conciously affected by the fact that my blog has gone slightly-public.

By the way, I've done my chapter of the joint project with creative reader, its called "Lost Identity" and can be found on www.fictionpress.com . It takes some hard searching to find it though (Which slightly pisses me off cos I can't get much reviews because of this fact.) You'd be better off jus going to CR's Url... www.fictionpress.com/~creativereader . I have one too, but its filled with the complexity of blank space. That thing seems to be becoming my mascot... sheesh. Do read it till you get to my chapter.

And, I'm going to try to zoneseek once more. Remeber my September 16 post on: Breaking into the Identity Ep 1 -- The Probe ?

Of course you don't.

In any case, I'm doing Ep 2 by today.

Oh yeah, one more thing. Wth is everyone putting qutoes at the end of their bloggies nowadays? Its getting damned scary. Even I seem to be in the trend. Oh well, no one cares i guess.

--- Tradition Break --- > No Quote <<

I know I still have nothing in those new bloggies of mine. Want to start soon... but lack time and inspiration. And it sorta seems that Praxis would turn a bit redundant since I would be posting most of my practice essays at fictionpress.com.

Currently waiting my friend, Creative Reader(Yeah, he loves his oxymoron nick.) to finish his chapter so I can continue with mine. Its a joint project we're doing for no reason.

Life still seems pretty messed up to me. Sheesh... I am once again craving for new genesises.
But sometimes, living in retrospection is quite...... interesting.

Ineedtopackandorganisecauselifenowseemsexactlylikethis.

In the moment of now.

Go realize the irony of my title.

Anyway, results for EOY came and went and agony swept over me revelation after revelation. Its actually expected agony. Redundant anguish. And complete fustration. I keep lying to myself and somehow know it and don't feel surprised to it. Why damnit. Why?

I usually don't really get affected by my school's morning annocement's "Thought of the Week". But this weeks one could not get any.... truer? Bah, I'll use "interesting".

"To learn a lot about life, One must lose many things."
(Its in paraphasal....might change it once I hear it again and remember the correct one.)

What does this show? That the world actually knows! I mean, its mocking me now isn't it? Trying to be sarcastic about the obvious.

Anyway, I'll just end with one last, lame and illogical but totally acceptable (In the law of students anway) Statment... Scroll.


















CHEMISTRY SUX !!!!!!!!!!!!!

The exams are offically over for me... I feel no difference in emotion though.

My current perspective now is narrowed in only on the screwed up results I would be getting and the stuff I would be doing during this break period after the exams and during the hols...

And thats why, I have nothing else to say.

I am serious.

Bah....... All my "majors" are over for now. I refer to the exams... I have this weekend and the intervals of time between papers to settle the remainding revision I need for the rest of the subjects.

And my papers so far?
Very, very screwed. I don't think I want to elaborate... But I just can't believe that I'm actually now wishing for a pass for a few subjects with slight hope for 60 plus. I mean, what the hell? I used to be wishing for A1s.

Argh... I feel so damned messed up, always picked on by procastination and bullied by little confidence in my subject material.

What more can I do though?
Only thing is to fight on in this. Stories of determination and perseverance come to mind aint it? I feel that it has only slight relevance. 'Cause this stupid system is pointless, meaningless and a crapped up bullshit of society. I mean it. In a very calm way as I am already used to it.

Perceptions... Yeah yeah. If this was a perception, how does one define it? I am nowhere to the extremes or postive and negitive. Nor am I basking in the uncertainty of neutrality.

I respect this fact as truth. But some may not. So in the end, the world is only full of lies isn't it?
Therefore, RHS = LHS (Proven)


"Hope, that is something I posses little of."
- Before his character changes,
Rhue, The Way 1.

Yay, quote study 2. If I ever get to making the organised bloggies (I might after these damed exams) I might put up a section for these stuff.

Anyway, if one can see, this magus guy holds quite an ignornat attitude to life and all. If one did play throught Chrono Trigger (A Role-Playing game for the SNES) it would be much easier to understand the impact these words create. I'm prefer to concentrate on the ending part: "I must simply laugh." I totally agree with this. The concept and sense I mean. Well, what is magus laughing at?

His fate to die? After a bit of reading between the lines, one can see that it is his ignorance to his existance in the world. He is ultimately laughing at the world, and from my gaming experience, the people in it. Why? Stupidity. Let me digress.

Stupidity can be defined in many ways and can be measured through several fields. There is the extreme meaning to the usage of it as an insult with no particular relevance to its meaning, besides (Ironically) ignorance of some sort. Then again, stupdity is a sort of comparitive word. It comes in a pair. To describe it in math terms, its a linear graph. One end= stupidity, another end= smartness. Therefore, in the same case of the yin yang theory; stupidity cannot exist without smartness. I.e. there must be smart people before there can be stupid people, in order to have a comparitiave, scientifical measure.

Now, let me move on to another factor. Lets take it off from this quote, " the two most common elements in this world are hydrogen and stupidity." This ultimately potrays the world is stupid. To be a bit extreme, I believe if I do a quick survey, almost everyone would agree that the world, in some way, is stupid. That is when we take stupidity on a broad basis.

Lets see...Defination of stupidity from m-w.com is.......
the quality or state of being stupid, where stupid is defined as...

a : slow of mind b : given to unintelligent decisions or acts : acting in an unintelligent or careless manner c : lacking intelligence or reason 2 : dulled in feeling or sensation 3 : marked by or resulting from unreasoned thinking or acting

So, to take this literally. As long as we commit an action in a way lacking reason or do it in a slow fashion, we are stupid. This means... everyone is stupid in a way. I mean, you can't do everything in life can you?

Let me do a cross-reference to: Raintree Picture's I Not Stupid.
"Yin wei wo ben! Yin wei wo ben!" Direct translation: "Cos I'm dumb! Cos I'm dumb!"
No, I'm not empahzing on the plot, it has been already talked about several times and besides, its common sensical. Its just that this shows society is aware of the world's stupidity. Not the kid, the world. In what sense? Lets just say that society know that the world is stupid by insisting the students are stupid when they can't do the 1% of things taught in the classroom of the world and the kids know it by sarcastically stating that they are dumb.

+ Continued... My exams are over so I can take my time.......... For now.

To get back to the topic of the quote... What Magus is recognising in this statement is that the 2 most common elements in the universe is Hydrogen and stupidity. The key words in this quote are "history", "world" and "fate". What can they mean both literally and symbolically?

Very simply, "history; taken in the most negetive context would be the past mistakes of the world. Say for instance, on political level; the Treaty of Versallies which provoked Germany into world war 2. The action word to "history" is "changed". Well, Chrono Trigger is a game about time travelling and saving the world through changing history, in ignorance to the paradoxes. (Maybe it was explained in the "time splits" attribute seen in its sequel, Chrono Cross but I didn't play it anyway) So whats implied from this? Humans know. They know their mistakes and therefore want to correct them. And history changing, doesn't matter to him...

One might seem curious to this as if we assume that magus is being totally ignorant due to the world's stupidity, he might be cheered at the fact that Humans want to make up for stuff. But in reference to the next line, "If the world is to be destoryed, so be it." he shows that he doesn't give a damn about the world in the first place. Why? there could be several reasons. Vengence to it prehaps. Deep hatered and therefore a cold shoulder revenge. Is "so be it" a softerner to the impact of the words? As in a usage of neutrality? Prehaps..

And finally, if his fate were to die. i must simply laugh. I now digress once again to marvel at the impressive show of language. This simple translation we use to influence our thoughts into others... So powerful, so majestic.A very colourful vocabulary is sometimes not needed to produce some of the most inspiring literatures. Take the Bible for instance, simple and yet is radiating with might and power. Most of the time, its the usage of words that impress me. The several meanings that one can derive from a single statment. Appluase sessions to the author of these masterpieces should be conducted. Anyway, when we focus on the key words, one can read Magus' beliefs and ideas. We could literally see that he believes in fate but to put it another way, he could be one who were to think that circumstances ruined his chances at life and keeps him losing. Especially when he is talking about death, its as if he reached this stage where he knows that the world plays with him like a puppet and death is just another path that he can be swayed into. On the same basis, this is one reason why belief that life is a cycle and that we are all fated for things in life is so discouraging. I personally only believe in divine opportunity. A chance created by God. This would very well explain coincedences and stuff as such. Anyway, he states the effect of this fate of him as a joke- '' I must simply laugh" Notice the words "must" and "simply", they denote a extreme necessity for him to see it as a joke and that the task is what he should do. Simply. Laughter, the extreme opposite of what one might experiece in the face of death is probaly a silent mock to the stupidity that the world has. And maybe, his own stupidity to be consumed by such stupidity.

Indeed, reaching this point in life is silently scary. Yet totally believable. Humans afterall....are humans. The creatures of error. Oh, the irony is so damned overwhelming.

This reminds me of an extract of the lyrics from "In the Light" by DC talk.

I'll end this entry with it...

I keep trying to find a life On my own, apart from You

I am the king of excuses I've got one for every selfish thing I do

What's going on inside of me? I despise my own behavior

This only serves to confirm my suspicions, that I'm still a man in need of a Savior...

"Any fool can write a novel but it takes a real genius to sell it."
- Novelist J.G. Ballard

Maybe I should do research on Ballard first and get the gist of what sort of books he writes before doing some sort of analysis like this... but... exams. Yeah, the freaking thing I require time for.

Well, I personally think this statement is showing how screwed up the world is becoming in the field of art and ideas. What the statement basically potrays is that any common man on the street gets ideas and can put in into a novel. People's standards of the defination of quality novels declining? Well, the statement didn't exaclty speak of "good novels" anyway. But still, it has the essence that our perception of allowance to a novel has deteriorated. Though if we don't see it in that light, it does hold some truth. Yeah, any idiot can just babble crap on some topic and turn it into a novel anyway. Though this doesn't hold relevance, I can see where singapore is heading with its new breed of writers through the influence of our great and magnificent English teachers.

And the second part, it takes a genius to sell it. Yup, money comes into play here. Books, literature, art all turning into goods of comerclisation. Trading materials and monetry values. Like the pop culture quote, "Many Books is a sign of Wealth" better still if the books are just left on the shelves and just collect dust. The statement therefore potrays that society is now more concenred about commerce and economics. They don't seek life anymore. They run it. Curiousity gets killed by greed.

Oh well.... if you haven't noticed. I'm not exactly in the mood for zoneseeking.

Exam fever? bah.

Side note: Since now this is a truly "public" blog, feel free to post comments anyone... not that you could not before anyway.

The structure of a normal blog... what it probaly would have in its progress later on and etc.Well, maybe this only applys to secondary kids but no one cares anyway. (Yeah, since the mindless exams are here, I need to think about something now. I don't care if its lame.)

1. Song lyrics. First thing that popped in my head. wonder if I will do that in the future...
2. Bashing life and ranting. Humans hate humans for being beings of hatered.
3. What you done in the day.
4. Dedicative pieces of praise to friends
5. Photographs
6. The whole passage of font done in the same colour as the background so reader has to ctrl A to view it. (I.e. I'm sick, tired and angry.) I laugh at this one.
7. The whole passage of font done in wingdims or someother font which readers probaly aren't literate with. Reader has to ctrl A + ctrl C + ctrl V to somewhere. Same point at 6. I laugh harder at this.
8. A tag board. One thing which I will probaly still wonder the point of after.... um years to come. Not saying its pointless or anything... just... funny.
9. Deep essays. Heh. I think there are.... though uncommon.
10. Celebrations of events.
11. Background music.
12. Encouragement literature.
13. Essays about friendship, love, joy and peace to the world. Awwwwwwwwwww /sarcasm
14. Essays about vengence, hate, misery and chaos in the world. *salutes*
15. Explanations of what the heck happened to "me" today.
16. Explanations of what happened at some event.
17. Arguement of why "I'm not an ass" and that "lets just respect each other and get on with life"
18. Small matters blown up into heavy propotions.
19. Essays saying that blogger just had some major error and what "I" posted just now get crappily dissapeared.
20. Mysterious essays that hold truth to probaly only a few close friends or just the writer involved.
21. Infuatuations/crushes/love related issues. This branches out into a lot of fields, the extreme vague ones are either happy stuff or sad stuff. Usually complemented with song lyrics.
22. Essays insisting that the writer is calm though his tone and purpose is angry.
23. Essays which have numbered items. Like this.
24. A few words.
25. A quote.
26. A commentary.
27. Some long essay which people can't be bothered to read but the writer finds it impressive.
28. Some long essay talking over and over again about the same point.
29. A essay holding anger to a person/event/thing/dog/intangible
30. Essay insisting the view one holds is correct.

Bah... I'll stop. Continuing this really starts making me feel stupid. This may be my lamest entry to date.

Wait. It is.

I don't care. Let me laugh.

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_Past

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