Inanimate objects can teach you things - and acutally, the way they do can be viewed to be even better than the alive, simply because without having the ability to make a decesion and to define even a tinge of rationality in that choice, the nature of its lessons become especially objective and without some necessary baggage which the ones who feel have to put up with (on both sides). The most obvious and direct example, would be books as compared to human teachers, for the fact that the books won't care so much about your welfare. They do not have that conciousness, only merely being able to account for things in a clean, generalistic fashion that does not yell for the student to commit.

But there are other inanimate objects that can be teachers of course, and this time i refer to my computer. Not that it has great educational CDs and wikipedia- its act was not that related to data generation. All it did, was simply to die. I suppose the motherboard was overheated or something due to the countless number of times I left it on and went to sleep. There was also once when I got up and rushed for school, without turning the guy off and coming back only to use it again before I allowed it rest. Significantly, the first time the com died on me, I pleaded with it to allow me to use it since I had about 3 major things to complete before the next day - well it worked, and then I left it on and went to sleep again -_- . This time, I came back to find that the com has really died. Any hope will be found in the computer shop whose salesman recongises my dad and myself as the annual visitors who formatted our coms close to 4 times.

My com is probaly tired with constantly giving me the benefit of the doubt, constantly ignorning any abuse and working as apathetically as I am while I use it, its tired of my criticisms of its lag, tried of my sigh at its not going faster while I do not attempt to buy it new cards or clear up its disk space, tired that I ignored its visible grievences and worked as a utilitarian, tired that I made no apologies and moved on just as things were even after it was weakened. Yes, just because I always did it, it doesn't mean I can always do - there is that breaking point. As cliche as it is - second chances don't come easy, and to ignore the significance of that attempted revival.. my Com probaly couldn't take it anymore.
All those lessons, from a sacrifical death of my Com. Thank you.

And yes, I do believe that the eraser is trying to teach me something to. Well, I'll try.

Labels: humans

Actually... when I look back and take things in a quantitative light, I am quite a new Christian. The memories of the exact actualities in the before and after, probaly cannot be recounted by me in purest of the emotions, but counting in mere years alone - 3 years. 3 years that I can consider myself as a believer. 3 years where I have constantly been re-challenged with new insights and revelations. 3 years that I have come to understand what repentance and grattitude and living for His glory is about, and as the cliche goes - theres still so much more to learn and appreciate.

Somehow, as mystically sounding as it may seem, its no more just about the reasons that I believe - not that Christianity cannot put up a rational defense for itself. Its not the sense that it makes which has me believing in it, although perhaps I was appealed to the rationality of things at the start. Its more than the simple logic of christinanity being a reasonable take on things. Its the reality of Christianity. That makes me live for it. Many have 'founded' (The inverted commas not for the sake of me mocking the truth of how they find it, but instead the definition and degree of it. From lets say, a study to a scrutinising to a discovery) religion and associated it to dogmas, senselessness, needed-human-gratification, illusions, evilness and whatever it may be - but in such a paradigm, the actual analysis of the spiritual dimension can be so taken for granted. The moral values are measured in indicators of implications and effects; the human being is seen in the light of his psychology, social functions and behavioural patterns; the concepts of accountability and answerableness can be taken away so easily with a shrug of agnostism and apathy. When we measure the world so much by the constructs we create, how do we expect to ever understand what constructed us in the first place?
The expectations, merits and dependences that drives humans today - we aim at them at angles only to hope at solutions and contentment.

But what was, is and will be the problem?


“I believe in Christianity as I believe that the sun has risen: not only because I see it, but because by it I see everything else.” - C.S. Lewis

Labels: Life

When the attention one spends is shifted away from yourself, and towards the lives of others, trying at means to ensure their welfare and directing yourself to be more relevant to be able to teach in a way that is hopefully more impactful, being invovled such that the concerns you have fade into theirs - the best reward is probaly a sincerity. Sincere willingness to learn, sincere attitude in change, sincere feelings that show out. Pouring out of yourself is just, tiring. And when one finally gets back to focus on his own life as well, it is only to be realised that its not the best in the first place anyway.

While trying to grapple at a sincerity from another party which cannot be done anyway since he is the one possessing it, the ironic feeling that one gets when such tests are reapplied to himself that he realises the need to grapple at his own sincerity to enable the change.

Of course one can't do this by himself, and by no means I am.
But I still am tired.

Labels: muse

You can ask.

A reason why I write such convoluted pieces sometimes, is probaly because - such is probaly the nearest possible way I can try to get across what I'm trying to express. I like language for the ability it gives us to articulate our thoughts and crystalise them into some form, but as I said before, its not enough to ever justify yourself through mere words. Its not a matter of ability although in some sense, when we see language to be a means of communicating ideas to someone else that it would work better when you have a command of the language that can mutate itself to satisfy the intellectuals to the masses. But if its not about the scope of who you are trying to tell what you mean too, and if its more about the intention of bringing your understanding and emotions into a something that exists in sentences, to form up an essay, then its not really about pleasing people/insistutions. Its about, saying it. And in way, there needs to be a certain context and identifications that another party has to experience to get you - its not an understanding in the form of a reconginition of the ideas the sentences build up to mean but rather, an emphaty that the other party feels while appreciating the ideas that reveal themselves in the text.

It can wondered if the emotions are just merely that - and that they are meant to stay that way, without having the form to enter the dimension of words. Just a understanding of a picture, just a smile at a poem, just a sigh to a story.

But of course, simplicity is always beautiful. And appreciating it after everything else without grappling with the need to try to find an order in everything. We don't need the answers to all of life's questions, and as much as I know that there are the assumptions, interpretations and irritations at such a conclusion, I say it because its true - God is enough.

And I can try.

Labels: muse

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